Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!

It was Lizzi's birthday during the week. I met Lizzi when she first moved to town 5 years ago and immediately took a shining to her.  She immediately became good friends with another 'good Christian' friend and, unfortunately, I assumed I might not be enough of a "God botherer" for her to become *my* friend.  Yet we have had enough of an almost-friendship for me to fall in love with her: she's a wonderful woman, an incredible dancer, and a fabulous dance teacher.

I sent her a text for her birthday on the day and, the next day, received a text invitation to go out for drinks from Karen - another friend of hers who I had recently met.

That's how I ended up at "The Pub" last night with six women who I had never been out with before.  Sure, some of us had done Zumba together.  Others of us have other things in common.  But I had never socialised with any of them except for my little bits with Lizzi.  I was most surprised to discover that our mutual Super-Christian friend was not joining us, nor was she even invited.

Of course, there is so much more to Lizzi than I had known and I love her more than ever.  I also really connected with Karen who said we were "two peas in a pod" and I would have to agree, despite being totally opposite in many ways.  She also smokes which, ordinarily, would prevemt any budding friendship from progressing, yet I am as drawn to her as she is to me.  Interesting!

I had such a great time last night...  drinking scotch and (lots of) water; singing karaoke; dancing; talking shit to total strangers; and forming new friendships.  We left the pub after close and walked back to Karen's place (yes, I even got in my exercise... lol) where we drank (brandy / coffee / tea) and talked for another few hours before catching the one and only taxi home at about 3.30am.
Insights of the evening include:

• In assuming I might not be enough of a "God botherer" for her to become my friend, I have missed out on time where Lizzi and I could have been better friends.  However, better late than never and... well... I do believe that everything always happens in perfect timing.
• Even people who appear much more confident than me can (and often do) have just as many, if not more, insecurities.
• Similarly, just because people are slim and beautiful doesn't mean that they're better than me nor are they any more confident.
• EVERYONE has their own *stuff* and, as they say, if we were given the opportunity to throw our stuff into the middle of a room and pick up other's stuff, we'd very happily take back our own.

I enjoyed a long hot shower when I got home and crawled into bed next to my wonderful husband, extremely grateful to be me; be married to him; and have my life (*_*)

AND... this morning, weighed in at 149.4kg!

I'm Back and Newly Inspired

Has it really been 5 months since my last post?  Sorry!

Lots has happened with regards to my intentions of my last post, yet I've lost and gained the same 3kg probably 5 times (seems like the story of my life).  BUT... I am not giving up!!!  I turned 49 last month, still weighing in at over 150kg and wondering if I'd be at this weight for the rest of my life.

Last weekend I helped the local Apex Club cook burgers, wedges, chips and lollies etc. and ate so much of it that, come Saturday evening, I really thought I was going to die.  I felt incredibly lethargic and extremely BLAHHHH!!  As I lay in bed trying to find the motivation to get up and get my washing off the line, I knew exactly why I was feeling so bad.  A super-overdose of carbs!!

I've been aware of my carbohydrate addiction for probably 11 years now.  Perhaps even more.  I know how fabulous I feel when I limit my carbs, yet they are such addictive little shits... blah, blah, blah!!

I awoke Sunday morning (weighing 152.4kg) with a new resolve to beat my addiction, so started my day with bacon & eggs.  Although still doing the burger & chip selling thing, the only carbs I ate all day was 3 small chips and the bread roll encasing my steak burger.  Why was I amazed at how much better I felt? 

Another carb-free day on Monday had me feeling (almost) fit & fabulous for Monday night's game of squash, and I played so much better than I had the previous week.

I've been sending the girls to school with bowls of ham, cheese & salad and even hubby has dropped a couple of kilos and is feeling much better.  Almost as if this is totally new information... lol.  We're all enjoying the variety it allows and I've not even been tempted to eat bread.  Ok... but only a tiny bit.

Only 5 days in and I'm already 2.7kg lighter, having weighed in both yesterday and this morning at 149.7kg.  Under the 150 mark for the first time in too many months.

Focusing on simply FEELING good, my plan is to keep away from as many carbs as possible for another week, then slowly start re-introducing fruit and perhaps the occasional piece of toast with breakfast.  But definitely no carbs after lunch.  I'll just see how my body responds.

Although I've been walking a bit and playing the ocasional game of squash, I also plan to pick up my exercise somewhat.  Yet, and I know I've said this a thousand times before, I don't want to be obsessed.  Having just written that, maybe I actually need to obsess about my fitness.  I'll give that some more thought.

In any case, I'm feeling more positive and look forward to more frequent ramblings on this blog.

Ciao for now (*_*)

This Morning's Conversation on Facebook

Yesterday morning I was feeling quite frustrated at myself and put the following comment as my

Facebook status:

"Sibylle needs a magic wand. Any one got a spare??"

Here is some of what followed:

Wendy: now what do you want a magic wand for?

Me: Good question Wendy :) The short answer being: to make my body slim and trim and fit and fabulous and then put my head in a place where I easily keep it that way.

Jackie: Sib, when you find that magic wand, please send it to me when u r done. I will go to my grave dieting.

Wendy: Bloody hell, I think it's all in our heads this body image thing. Would't the magic wand thing be great. Do you think you would never put it back on if you did find the magic wand?????
and then Nancy stepped in...

Nancy: Hey Sibylle, Don't wanna sound like Tinkerbell here, but I read this thread and the exchange between yourself and Wendy holds the answer to your question: everyone has a magic wand. They've just forgotten where they put it. We've been sold for so long by weight-loss experts on the idea that they hold the monopoly on "magic wands" - well, if they're so "magical" and so brilliant, then why are so many people only getting heavier and heavier as time waddles on?

We have to ask the questions: With all of the "plans" available, hundreds, probably thousands out there, why aren't we ALL thin by now?" Why don't we all look like the pearly-toothed, ab-perfect people on the TV commercials? Are we such sloths, such low-lifes, that we are incapable of change for the better? These gurus tell us to BUY their "magic wand," follow their lead and all will be well.. How's that workin' for us?

We can whip ourselves, berate ourselves, sweat till our muscles scream out for relief, half-starve ourselves into a weight-loss; we will see a change in our external shape, though about 97% of the time, this will only be temporary. Does this mean that 97% of us are lazy people who suffer some human defect of character?

Wendy's last comment gave me a grin: she is spot on! We are tackling this issue cosmetically, beating the body into submission, not going to the source of the "symptom," in the form of excess weight. We are just as good, as smart, as capable as the next guy in line: We need to "exercise" the mind and spirit within... the body will follow suit to the first two components that every human beings possesses.

Society, diet gurus, doctors, etc, focus on external "repair." They applaud us only when we've "arrived"; when our physical shells match what THEY deem WORTHY. And what is their value system based on? What do we see as representation of this lofty goal? Thin, wrinkle-free, bronzed and half naked men and women gracing public advertisements, TV commercials, magazine ads and on and on the list goes. What a shallow, sad message it is.

Dieting is hogwash, ladies! There is no "magic" plan! Some programs are healthier than the nest; true. But any "plan" will bring results if it's followed to the letter. Why don't we continue to follow it? And if we do, why does the weight return? Society's inch-deep message is not only vapid, but demeaning, disregarding what it truly means to be HUMAN. I call "dieting," what society's skewed message does to us... "Spirit Robbing." They tell us to ONLY focus on our physical shells, our lovely, but aging, corruptible bodies and then we wonder why we lose hope, feel less-than worthy after heroic attempts to beat back the pounds and wrinkles that WILL develop: Their implied message here? NEVER GET OLD. God forbid THAT should happen!  Ha!

I learned this lesson, found my magic wand the hard way; I almost died before my "light bulb" moment came. I'd swallowed the so-called "experts" crap for decades. If I wasn't thin, gave in to wrinkles, couldn't measure up to their standards, then I must not be a valuable, worthwhile person. My top weight was 703 pounds. I have lost, and maintained for 8 years, 530 of those life-depriving pounds. Diets are like putting a Band-aid on a gaping wound and expecting it to heal. We are attacking the "symptom," fat, and not examining the "cause," lack of self-love, that keeps us returning to our poor "tool," overeating. Food comforts us; it was my "tool," my consolation prize for not meeting society's standards of beauty and acceptability.

I was asked to write my book after appearing on Oprah's show. I wanted to scream it from the rooftops to others who struggle with issues of weight. Don't buy the "prescriptions" the experts are selling you, folks! Needless to say, the "gurus" don't like me much! Ha! They depend on our neediness for their healthy bottom line! I've been on panels at health forums with these nasty morons. They have a helluva time explaining away why I've been successful where so many of their devotees have failed. It's a David and Goliath kind of match-up here, ladies, but I'm not shutting up. 40 billion dollars are shelled out in America alone for weight loss products, plans and surgeries, yet obesity numbers are skyrocketing. How can this be? Maybe, just maybe, these bozos don't know what they're talking about....

I rediscovered my magic wand. It was embedded in a damaged, sad, forgotten spirit.... I had believed it dead and long gone. But, it wasn't. That spirit, that self-belief had been whispering to me all along... I just couldn't hear it over the sound of my bashing of myself for being less-than worthy. I AM WORTHY..... No one, no guru can ever wrest that belief away from me again. I, like so many, used to say, "If only I could lose "X" number of pounds, I'd be so much happier.

Along my journey of self-discovery, I've found just the opposite is true. Rediscover your value, JUST AS YOU FIND YOURSELF TODAY, not on the far-off day that you might be able to grab onto society's brass ring of "success," and the weight will leave you. You will begin to naturally care for, not have to beat into submission, the beautiful, wondrous and lovable creature THAT YOU ARE.

Mine is not a plan that you need to buy; you already own it. Just some food for thought, ladies. and then some!

Me:  Wendy, in answer to your last question, the most magical job of this wand would be to get my head *right* so I would remain slim & trim & fit & fabulous because it is all such a head thing. I so totally hear what you're saying Nancy and can't wait to read your book. Which reminds me, I ordered it ages ago and they told me it was being published in June and that my order was in fact a pre-order. I knew that to be incorrect but couldn't be bothered arguing with them. So I guess I will have to wait until June. And so, in answer to your question, after 48 years of self loathing and feeling unworthy, HOW do I find my magic wand. HOW do I learn to love me for who I am right now, WITH the excess weight???

Nancy:  Sibylle! As to the book, if they're telling you June, that would be the release date of the paperback. I believe it's 08 June. I'm not kept in the loop about the publishing details, but know that my Dutton/Penguin Books publicist is sending me out for book signings around that time. The hardcover is still available thru Amazon.com, unless that's not the case for overseas orders?

Your other question, the magic wand business. That was why I wrote the book! Ha! I went into SOME of this in my note. I can't do a re-write on the wall, obviously.

I have worn your very uncomfortable shoes, Sibylle. I KNOW in a very graphic way how that feels, how lost, out of control, how frustrated I felt. So much of what I suffered, was due to having cemented ideas in my mind about what made me worthy. I steadfastly believed that I would feel better, BE better once the excess pounds were sent packin' to Siberia. I NOW believe that I/we, so many of us have had it completely turned on its head; backwards.

If you constantly crave, focus like a laser on the POUNDS you detest, that you believe hold you back from life, you will have a terrible time, this "struggle" we so often hear about, on your hands. I felt MORE defeated, less WORTHWHILE, AFTER the effort(s) than before I began! I believe that HATING THE FAT is akin to HATING YOURSELF. Please think about that one, friend. Perhaps this should inform us that we're focusing on the wrong aspect of our being.

People who have 20-30 stubborn, extra pounds on their frames, probably only need to adjust their activity level. Food is not their coping mechanism in any life-altering way. Their dilemma is not the same as that of the obese. However, anyone who gains, loses, gains more, to the point that their lives are altered in MAJOR ways, ie: self-isolation, no longer attending family functions due to shame, avoiding the "normal" things/events that human beings participate as a natural part of living a nurturing life, these people are using food to soothe an emptiness inside. They are attempting to stuff their feelings, find temporary soothing, instead of reaching out to find REAL satisfaction. Only THAT will permanently FILL this gaping hole. Overeaters are subconsciously sabotaging themselves.

I didn't get there, the isolating thing, overnight, Sibylle. Like anything else, it came incrementally. That is how this "cancerous thinking" takes hold of us. Slowly, but, oh, so deadly. That is why I so relate to your question. "How do I learn to love me for who I am right now, WITH the excess weight???" We hold so little regard for our present worth, that we can't imagine loving ourselves AS WE ARE. And that, dear lady, is our downfall. Until you DO find value from within, believe that you're lovable DESPITE those pounds, you will war with yourself. You are at war with your own precious body, Sibylle. And that war originates in your mind and spirit. How can anyone ever expect to "win," when they don't truly believe the prize battled FOR (yourself) is a worthy one? Your physical body is only the "shell" of who you are. Does this make sense to you?

My memoir was written in a VERY open-book sort of way, Sibylle; this was done with great intention. I bare all of my faults, missteps, warts and all, good and poor attributes, from my childhood in Seattle, Washington thru present day in order to allow the reader to follow in my steps and in doing so, perhaps see similarities in events, instances, behaviors, reactions, the things and emotions I chose to absorb and how all of that came together to create WHO I BECAME; our paths are many times divergent, but our human qualities, so similar.

At 703 pounds, you can imagine I didn't hold out hope for my future. I had resigned myself long before to living a very limited, self-depriving existence and dying long before I otherwise might have. I HAD NO VALUE IN MY ESTIMATION. NONE. That made what occurred in my case all the more dumbfounding, unexpected for me. I accidentally, yes, accidentally, rediscovered my passion, Sibylle. But, what happened for me accidentally, can inform others' paths of DELIBERATE, mindful action.

Awareness is half the battle. All of us have one or a number of passions; gifts given before we were ever born. It was the re-ignition of that "spark," a reawakening of my spirit, the dynamo that fuels all else, that brought me from despair to self-belief in a heartbeat. I, in acting on my passion, was restoring my sense of self, my worthiness as a human being. I suddenly found that I had much to recommend me. I WAS THEN WORTH SAVING and began treating myself accordingly, naturally so. NO STRUGGLE ANYMORE. NONE.

The pounds began to recede; they had no choice. My passion isn't your passion, Sibylle. My memoir isn't a manual, either. There are a thousand specific, step-by-steps plans on the shelves already. There is no certain "one thing" that flips the switch in all individuals. My story will show you and anyone reading it that there is a path to follow out of that dark, fear-filled tunnel. That it's something that ANYONE can do... I DID IT. I am the "average Joe". I cannot encapsulate my tale in a number of paragraphs here on the wall. It would not make a dent in what needs to be understood. It is in the unfolding of one woman's tale that the "magical" connection, happenstances come together for an "Aha!" moment, Sibylle. You need to absorb the WHOLE in order to glean what amazements transpire when we focus elsewhere, in places the experts would never suggest we focus our attention.

Here's what I CAN tell you for sure, my Aussie friend. I have received thousands of letters from people all over the globe telling me that my story, my journey has impacted theirs. Very humbling, very gratifying, but it tells me much more than that. It tells me that by opening up my life to them, that their own seeds have taken root. That they have taken the common threads of our communal human tapestry and are weaving their own sturdy "magic" carpets. Wands, carpets, as I said in the beginning, we all have them..... They are there. We don't need to look, only listen, listen from within.

If I wasn't passionate about my path, what it's taught me, if I didn't truly believe of which I speak here, I wouldn't spend the time doing so. I DO believe, believe in the power of self. I DO care, care about you, your life and what it can hold for you, Sibylle. My journey has lit a fire within me that cannot be extinguished by anything marketers throw at me as "salvation".

I am not selling false hope in a bottle for 59.99 plus shipping and handling. I would never do that; it's a lie. I am offering my fellow human beings the chance to examine what it is they hold onto as "hope," what I believe to be false hope delivered in the mail, and thru sharing my own path, hopefully show them that THEY are the answer to what ails them AND what is currently holding them in bondage. It took my decades to make this discovery, Sibylle. I wouldn't take back one minute of what it took to get here if it meant not having the all-too-rare perspective I know am blessed to embrace. My years alone were not wasted; I learned a very meaningful lesson. And now, I can share that beautiful practical wisdom with my fellow travelers.

LIFE IS GOOD. It is GOOD every time we can take a breath. If I've only confounded you more, dear lady, forgive me. I DO understand you, I do. Please write whenever the mood, feeling strikes..... I am here... and here to stay. Peace, Sibylle.

Me: Thank you Nancy. Every cell of my body is tingling... recognizing what you say... it rings so true, unfortunately. I already know what I need to do. Interestingly, I've been thinking about it for a week or so and I promise myself to make a start today.
 
Sadly, for years I had thought I couldn't do this until I already had my slim & trim & fit & fabulous body then, last week, it occurred to me that I could possibly start on a slightly different yet similar and equally interesting project. And, sure as eggs, I felt something stir within me - as I feel it again now just thinking about it. So it's time for me to rise and shine, wake my gorgeous girls and get this glorious new day underway.

Laura: Well that was a bigger read than I was expecting haha. Sibylle, I only know you a little bit, but what I do know of you shows a fantastic, outgoing, caring, social and confident person. I look at personalities like yours and see what I would like to be myself. I can SEE what you look like but it doesn't have any bearing on WHO you are to me or I'm certain to anyone else who knows you. When you do get to your goal weight you will still be exactly the same person to us all, just in a different shape.

Weight is a sensitive issue for me and obviously it's not because I am overweight myself, far from it, but because I see the effects it has on my family. Mother, Mother-in-law. I don't actually care how BIG they are but how HEALTHY they are. My Mum has been overweight her entire life and it has had a huge impact on her body. I don't know how to help her and I don't know what it is that causes her to not over eat but eat the wrong things. Mum buys bags of lollies and eats whole packs at a time, and drinks far too much alcohol though she isn't an alcoholic. I know she has shortened her life with this behaviour but even knowing that, she will not do anything to stop. Always looking for the magic pill that will stop the cravings. I would HATE for my Mum's personality to change if she did manage to lose half the weight she carries. She wouldn't be nearly as good to cuddle either lol. I only want Mum to lose weight to preserve her health. Feet weren't made to carry so much and children aren't meant to lose their grandmothers before they even get the chance to know them.

That wouldn't be of any use to you lol, I just wanted to put my 2 bobs worth into the conversation. You are a great person Sibylle and I look up to you. The vessel that carries your soul has no bearing on that. It would be nice if we were all a bit healthier. Just to make the years we are here for a bit less stressful.

Soooo...

I realise that even the Think Slim program is not deep enough to hit the mark.  It only reprograms a mind that doesn't want to be reprogramed.  I do need and want to be at a place so that I *automatically* want to take care of my physical body. 

I do sincerely believe that when we truly love and respect ourselves, we do not treat our bodies in a less than loving way.  When we truly love and respect ourselves, we actually feed our bodies good quality nutrition and exercise it regularly because we know instinctively that is what's right.

I have known this for a while but have found it difficult to remain focused on this because people tend to bombard me with so many diet suggestions, I feel like I need to be wearing a sign on my forehead saying: "I know I am fat and I am working my way through it.  Just not the way you'd like me to"

My focus now is to reignite my own passion.  Funnily enough, that's what I help others do in my role as their life coach.  It's even my business tag-line "Re-igniting Your Passion for Business".  I throw the word "business" in because people are happy to pay for professional development but rarely for personal developmet.  Yet, it's ALL personal development.

S
o I'm starting with my autobiography.  It's one of three books I've been wanting to write. 

I'm also going to recommence Sib's Sentiments, which I used to send out via email once a month.  I'll even dig up the old ones and include them.

Both these will probably be done on-line as a blog.  Firstly for safety, trusting that the internet is safer than my hard-drive or even external hard-drive.  Secondly, I do enjoy the interaction with readers that a blog allows.

But first I need to complete a few other jobs for today.  You know, I'm feeling better about myself already!!

Interesting Observations

One of the suggestions on the Think Slim program is that I aim to be active twice a day.  That way, if I miss one or two a week, I'm still being pretty active.  Mark Stephens, founder of the program, suggests a number of ways to be more active rather than simply doing the usual forms of exercise.

Yesterday morning I got up and went for a walk with hubby. Just once aroung the block but, considering I still have a spur on my left heel, I was happy I walked at all.  I then spent most of the day doing housework and once the girls got home from school I did something I haven't done in many years.  I vacuumed & cleaned the inside of the car and then washed it myself, rather than take it through the car wash.  The strangest thing about this is that I was actually *compelled* to do it. 

This morning, I was up before my alarm went off but really didn't feel like walking.  Yet I got dressed and went anyway.  And yes, hubby came with me again - as did our dog.  Still only once around the block, but 20 minutes is better than nothing.  And besides, I do have full intentions of going to Zumba tonight.

I find it endlessly fascinating that, after decades of doing it *the hard way*, this can actually be so simple.  It feels like I'm taking a massive short-cut yet I guess what's really happening is that my (sub-concious) mind is simply being reprogrammed.  Trust me when I tell you that I've been trying to do this on my own for at least 10 years.  I've even tried hypnotherapy a few times.  Each effort has worked in the very short term but the problem has always been that I either stopped with the very time consuming positive self talk - who has hours a day to spend on reading out aloud scripts?  Or, I couldn't have the hypnotherapist with me at all times, obviously. 

With Think Slim, I simply pop the ear-plugs in and go about my day or even sleep.  I don't need to be conscious of what's going on because it is my sub-conscious mind that is being spoken to and it is always awake.

So, as mentioned in my last post, my ONLY goal is to listen to the Think Slim program at least twice a day. I now have no doubt that the rest will take care of itself.

I think I have finally found what I've been looking for.  Only time will tell.

One Step at a Time...

My entire focus over the past 2 days has been on *listening* to the Think Slim program at least twice a day.  And yes, when I do exactly that, it immediately works and I automatically go into a much healthier mode.  Almost seems too good to be true, hey!!

One of my readers recently commented: "the idea that it's all or nothing is just people being impatient. Be patient with your weight loss, create small goals for yourself, one day at a time, one step at a time."

As I replied to her, I've probably heard that thousands of times before yet it seemed like such a new concept - that makes lots of sense.  And, after much thought, I've decided that my ONLY goal is to listen to the Think Slim program at least twice a day.  In theory, the rest will take care of itself.

I'll keep you posted.

Is This Really Possible?

After such a great start I am sabotaging myself - yet again.  I tell you, I am my own worst enemy!!

"What happened?" you ask.  I simply stopped listening to the Think Slim program. How hard is it to pop earplugs into my ears and carry a tiny MP4 player around with me?  It obviously works very well so why am I not doing it?  Why am I fighting against any good intention of getting slim and healthy?

Sitting back at 150.8kg this morning - and feeling like a total loser - I am thinking my goal needs to change from "70kg slim" to "135kg and feeling better than now".  I felt great last year at 137kg.  Surely I can get back there and drop another 2kg.  Because where I am now is insane. 

What makes it worse - or better, depending on my perspective in the minute - is that hubby is adoring me.  He's almost been worshipping me for the past few months.  Every other aspect of my life is absolutely fantastic.  Life is really good and we are finally bringing some of our other dreams to life. My weight / size - and all that goes with it - are my only challenge in life.  And a bloody big challenge it is.

I don't remember if I've mentioned this before, and I don't know why I am remembering it now, but a few years ago, when WW decided it wasn't profitable enough to be in this town, I simply gave up and didn't even think about my weight or exercise or what I ate etc for almost 10 or 11 months.  Then WW decided it was time to give it another go, and of course I went along, and I'd only gained less than 1kg in that whole time of eating and doing what I wanted.  Then - crazy as it seems - in my first week of doing everything right, I actually GAINED a kile or two.  Of course that did my head in and I went on a 3 week binge and gained even more. 

Interestingly, this phenomenon is exactly what Abraham-Hicks talks about in their weight-loss material.  You know, the old "don't think about a pink elephant" and you can't help but think about a pink elephant.  We create more of what we focus on.  It's a Universal truth as far as I'm concerned.  So the more I focus on being fat / obese / unhealthy / eating the "wrong" foods / etc. the more of *that* I will create for myself.  I know this in my head, but am not yet able to get off the merry-go-round so as to live it in my being.

But am I giving up?

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!

I am going to conquer this, if it's the last thing I ever do!!!

The MP4 player is sitting here... just waiting... waiting for me to take action. 

A minute later... I am now listening.

Ciao for now.

So Far So Good

Just wanted to pop in and give a very quick progress report...

Almost magically, I am drinking much more water - effortlessly!

Almost magically, I am not wanting to drink coffee.

Almost magically, I am craving healthy and nutritious foods.

I haven't yet exercised, but am planning on going to Zumba tonight.

I weighed in at 150.8kg on Sunday morning and this morning was 148.9kg.  All that extra water must be washing out my insides.

I'll keep you posted!!

The Next Chapter - Think Slim

It seems like I'm stuck on a broken record - yet again!  BUT... I am not giving up!!

I didn't complete La's Fitness Challenge.  I have a heap of reasons, yet they're simply excuses.  I know that.

Totally frustrated, I started the Tony Ferguson program a little while ago.  The first week was great; I had no desire to eat anything unhealthy and got back into daily excercise, resulting in a good loss on the scale (can't even remember what it was) and tape measure, although cannot even remember what they were.  The 2nd week wasn't quite as good - I was far too busy with Melon Idol - yet the tape measure still showed a loss.  And then I simply fell off the wagon - every day after about 12 noon.  Yes, I started every day well... can't really put my finger on what happened.  The last couple of weeks have been horrible, only starting well maybe 4 or 5 mornings.

Deep down I *know* it's now only bad habits that are keeping me here.  I simply *know* that my subconscious mind no longer wants to keep me fat.  I feel that I've uncovered and dealt with everything that was *wanting* to keep me at this size and the proof is in the ginormous change to my relationship with my mum.  I might expand on that in a future post as it's amazingly powerful stuff!!

I had discovered Mark Stephens' Think Slim program a few years back via somehow finding his Inner Makeover Retreat.  I remember wanting to go to the retreat and hubby saying how it would be a waste of time because "I could do it all myself".  Then, on a number of occasions, I went to the website to purchase the Think Slim program yet, for some weird reasons, my internet would stop working or they didn't reply to my questions (which, by the way, he finds very hard to believe) or... I can't even remember what other strange things happened.

Anyway, I finally ordered the program last week and it arrived on Friday.

Interestingly, it is a combination of absolutely everything (hypnosis, time line therapy, neuro linguistic programming, etc) I have ever learnt from many master therapists over the past decade and more.  Lots of it is even stuff I have taught to my own clients.  The difference is that I will be able to listen to it (or parts of it) every single day. 

I remember the amazing success I've had by using some of these methods.  Too bad they were short lived due to not continuing with the simple necessary actions that all started with my mind.  As we all know, ALL diets work IF we work them.  And we can only work the diet when our head is in the right place.  In theory, the Think Slim Program is going to get and, more importantly, keep my head in the right place.

So I'll let you know how I go... so far so good (*_*).

Week 1 Fitness Challenge Results

As you know, I am participating in La's Fitness Challenge over at The Curvy Life with my goals being as follows. 

Mileage Goal: 100 miles

Healthy Lifestyle Goals:
1. Drink 2 litres of water per day
2. Eat 2-3 pieces of fruit per day
3. Follow Weight Watchers guidelines

Here are my results for week 1:

Week 1 = 8 miles which consisted of the following:
   Saturday 1/1 - 5mins cycling
   Sunday - 4 @ 5mins cycling = 20mins
   Monday - 7mins cycling + 3km walk
   Tuesday - nil (out of town)
   Wednesday - nil (not organised enough)
   Thursday - 8mins + 12mins cycling
   Friday - 35mins swim (20 laps)
   Saturday - 6mins + 9 mins cycling

I did it from Saturday to and including Saturday because the challenge started on Saturday, being the 1st January, but we've been asked to check-in every Sunday.  So from here-on it will be Sunday to Saturday.  Besides, when I checked in over at The Curvy Life this morning I forgot to include an extra 5 miles for having blogged about it. So I figure it all comes out in the wash, so to speak.

I tracked my food every day on My Fitness Pal and have since quit WW as MFP is so good and making me see my food intake from a different perspective (intend to blog about this in the next few days). I'm doing pretty well with my fruit intake and realise that I also need to eat way more whole/clean foods in general - thanks to my lightning bolt from Anonymous.

Even at this rate, I am on track to achieving my goal of moving 100 miles, so perhaps I set my goal too low.  Then again, I will be extremely happy to be moving *consistently* until the end of March.  No doubt I will set a bigger goal for the next challenge.  In the meantime, I am looking forward to moving even more this week and am very grateful for the challenge (*_*)

Learnings of the Past Year

It's been a big week - and year - and I need to stop and reflect upon my learnings thus far.

Since Elizabeth became a clear character in my life I've been pondering on how she *really* fits in.  "Anonymous" commented on this post that I should "love her, she is scared too" continuing on to refer to Elizabeth as my inner child.  I thought about this for a few days and figured that this is quite possibly *what/who* she is.  Ultimately, I now realise that no matter whether she is my inner child or my *extra* personality, Elizabeth is definitely very scared of me being slim and gorgeous.  But that's OK, because now that some of the yukky memories have resurfaced and I fully understand what she's afraid of I can help her to help me.  We can do it together.

Since joining La's Fitness Challenge - that I mentioned in this post here - I have re-joined MyFitnessPal to be a part of the Challenge's support group.  I realised today that I had actually joined MyFitnessPal back in August but found it too difficult because of the whole American Calorie thing.  I wrote about it here.  I had recently re-joined Weight Watchers, mainly due to their iPhone app, but found it a little challenging having to learn the new ProPoints system.  However I was perservering, simply because the iPhone app was so good.  Yet, after only a few days on MyFitnessPal - with a different focus - I saw it through fresh eyes and have enjoyed it so much that I quit WW (again).

Considering I hadn't counted Calories since before I was 15 (back in 1977) it has been quite an interesting experience.  It's quite different to WW - more than I ever imagined - and I must admit that I've not been a fan of *just* counting Calories.  But together with all the healthy-food-knowledge I have floating around in my head, I find that counting Calories is very enlightening.  More than that, MyFitnessPal also gives me specific nutitional feedback and I am amazed at that aspect.  I also like to see how many Calories I burn each time I exercise.  I short, I am really enjoying MyFitnessPal.  Very much!!

With regards to La's Fitness Challenge, I haven't actually calculated whether I am on track with my goal, but I am very impressed with my progress.  It still amazes me how quickly I can lose any level of fitness and it also amazes me how quickly I can also gain it.  Only 2 weeks ago it almost killed me to cycle for 1 minute on my new rain-proof exercise bike.  Yes, you read correctly, ONE minute!!  I had to have a bloody good rest in between 1 minute sessions on the bike, which I wrote about here.  A few days later I was cycling for 4 minutes per session, then eventually 5 minutes, 6 minutes, and the other day I even did a 12 minute session.  Bloody amazing, don't you think!!

I'm a little saddened that it's been almost a year since I joined Weight Watchers - and started this blog - and yet I am currently less than a kilo lighter than I was back then.  During that time, my weight has done its usual yo-yo as has my fitness.  Part of me thinks it's been a total wate of time, yet I know - deep inside - that it isn't.  My mind has come a long way and I think that perhaps it has caught up to a point where we can all move forward.  That's my intention, anyway.

Ciao for now (*_*)

Thank you to "Anonymous"

"Anonymous" left this comment on a recent blog post today:

"My god, I can't see in your goals where is says eat garbage, Ive seen what you eat and the quantities!

Garbage in equals garbage out.

At some pont, and you're not close yet by the sound of it, your goals you list will have to be more important to you that shoving crap down your gullet.

Your short term gratification is killing your long term health."

Initially I was mortified, angry, and extremely upset. My blood was boiling... how dare someone write that!! But you know what? As confronting as it is, it's exactly what I needed. 

So thank you Anonymous - I'm pretty sure I know who you are - you have done me a big favour.

Yes, the truth certainly hurts yet no one else has ever had the courage to tell it to me like that before so, again, I thank you.

The Other 2 Laps and More

I've just walked another 2 laps of Sovereign Circuit - in 26 minutes. I wanted to do another one but the sandflies were too bad, so I got on my exercise bike (in my airconditioned lounge room) and cycled 3km - in 6.52 minutes.  I'm pretty excited that I was able to do 3km, especially as it was only a week ago that I could barely do 1km.

On another note, I have hung up Jen's definition of Motivation that I talked about in this post other day on my bathroom mirror.

"Motivation comes from knowing what your options are.
Motivation is fighting for a life you want because you don’t want the life you’ve had."- Jen, a prior Fat Girl

And after being so moved by Brooke's blog post today, I also put this reminder of my own up on my bathroom mirror.

Remember that feeling of being able to:

• Cycle 40km almost effortlessly and, within minutes of getting home, feel as if I’ve not done it at all?

• Swim 40 laps non-stop almost effortlessly?

• Do 2 or even 3 back-to-back aerobic classes?

That feeling is incredible on so many levels and I want it back!!

Remember laying on my air-bed in the pool at Port Douglas and looking down at my abs to see my six-pack?

Remember the size 12 bikini I used to wear?

Remember how fit and fabulous I felt?

You know it’s possible that we can do that again, don’t you?

... One tiny baby step at a time

Sovereign Circuit

I just walked 1km in 11:48 mins - that was only 1 lap of my block which I call "Sovereign Circuit". It is too hot outside to do any more - yeah, I know I should have walked early this morning - combined with the fact that I am already buggered. 

The up-side is that when I first walked "Sovereign Circuit" a couple of years ago it took me 20 minutes.  So, although I am extremely unfit now, I used to be worse.  That is simply too weird to even imagine.

I plan to do another 2-3 laps before the day is out.  Will let you know (*_*)

Finding Motivation

"Motivation comes from knowing what your options are. Motivation is fighting for a life you want because you don’t want the life you’ve had."

This is exactly what I needed to read this morning as my "Struggle Record" continues to go round and round and round.  I am so sick of struggling and thank Jen at A Prior Fat Girl for her post.  I am going to type this up and stick it to my bathroom mirror!

Joining La's Fitness Challenge

I'm excited by the idea of changing my focus from FATNESS to FITNESS.

I know *what* to eat and find that when I am exercising regularly and feeling great that I *do* make healthier choices.  So I've decided to take up La's Fitness Challenge at The Curvy Life and have signed up as ShrinkingGoddess at My Fitness Pal in order to get as much support asnd accountability as possible.

Why not join us??  The rules and guidelines can be found at The Curvy Life and, if your in Australia, you can convert your distances (miles to kilometers or vice versa) here.

I'm hoping Elizabeth will be happy with me getting fit and won't sabotage my efforts.  Still ned to work on my relationship with her.

Intentions, Procrastination, and Revelations

My good intentions for Monday's exercise bikes sessions were unfortunately left at that. Good intentions. I kept procrastinating, finding a myriad of other things to do instead, and then we had unexpected visitors arrive at 3pm and stay until after 10pm.

Similar story yesterday.

Yet I'm not blaming Elizabeth at all. I simply know that it was me. Me who procrastinated. Me who kept procrastinating. Me who did it all over again yesterday.

I think my lesson is that I need to exercise first thing in the morning - just so it's out of the way. So I can tick it off and feel satisfied that I've achieved at least one goal of my day. I do *know* that intellectually, yet don't always do it so obviously haven't learnt the lesson. YET!!

Today, however, I have already done 2 x 2km and am going to do another 2km after I finish this post. As it's already 11.44am, I realise it's not very *efficient* of me but at the moment I don't care. Writing that last sentence has made me realise that the whole efficiency thing is an issue with me. I feel *uncomfortable* because I'm sitting here writing while wearing my exercie clothes - not a good look, especially as I'm all sweaty. Yet, because my intention was to exercise on Monday and yesterday, I was also in my exercise clothes - all bloody day!! And despite me not being sweaty on those days, it is still not a good look.

I've often thought that I could go to the gym or pool when it re-opens at 9am because it's so incredibly crowded between 5.30 - 7.30am. Yet, I've rarely done so because #1 it seems so inefficient to be exercising at that time of day, and #2 I couldn't be seen dropping the kids off at school in my exercise/swim wear. Seeing the reality of the situation clearly in my mind now makes me feel like such an idiot!! Why am I so slow in *getting* all this??

I simply need to make exercsie a very high priority in my life and not care about what others think. Everything else will flow so much better, I just know in fact *remember* that my life works so much better when I am *really* fit and healthy.

I don't imagine this post will make much sense to anyone who reads it but, especially as I have just peeled off another layer of the onion, I really don't care. Besides, this blog is not titled "Personal Ramblings" for nothing!

On that note, I'm off to do another 2km before having a shower and continuing with my day. I also plan to do another 2km tonight. Will let you know if I actually do (*_*)

Elizabeth 1 vs Me 1 = Even

Weighing in at 150.2kg this morning, I can see that I need to befriend Elizabeth as I am now exactly where I was this time last year.  What a waste!!

On the bright side, however, - and there is *always* a bright side - I finally got on my new rain-proof exercise bike yesterday and did 2 x 1km then 1 x 2km on a much more comfy seat.  I figure that if I can't do more than 1 or 2km at a time, then I just need to do whatever I can 4 times a day.

Elizabeth did everything in her power to prevent me getting on that bike but, after everyone else did their first kilometer, I got on too.  We then took it in turns to do a km until I finally did 2km.  Today I'm hoping to do 4 x 2km.  Will let you know how I go.

My food intake still consists of Chrissy left-overs but at least I'm getting back into exercise mode.

I tell you, this is the greatest battle of my life!!  Now, to figure out how to get Elizabeth on-side.  Hmmm... any suggestions??

Elizabeth!

I was talking with my wonderful friend Anne-Maree tonight, just catching up.  She knows about my constant battle with weight and I was sharing with her my recent experiences, trying to explain it all when I actually gave my *want-to-stay-fat-part-of-me* a name; Elizabeth.  The name came from nowhere.  Elizabeth.

In short, I feel that I have a multiple personality when it comes to my weight, and *only* when it comes to my weight/size.  Elizabeth is the one who takes over when she thinks I am getting too confident in general and when I lose a certain amount of weight, in particular.  Elizabeth wants to keep me *this* fat for numerous reasons.  Ultimately, because she feels we're safer when we're this fat.

This all became so much clearer throughout our conversation somewhere, although I'm not sure exactly where.  She did mention a very successful man she knows in Brisbane who reminds her of me in many ways.  We both have a great deal of success in other areas of our lives.  We have both helped other people achieve marvellous success through coaching, NLP, and even hypnotherapy.  Yet he also cannot do it for himself and describes it exactly as I have done.  As if another part of him is more powerful and takes control when it comes to his weight-loss efforts. 

Suddenly, while Anne-Maree was sharing his story, I thought of the movie I once saw - in 1992 I think - where a woman had 96 distinct personalities.  I just Googled it  - "When Rabbit Howls" was the name of the movie and book.  Following the movie, was an interview Oprah did with the real Truddi Chase whose story the movie was based on.

"Dissociative Identity Disorder" is the correct term for Multiple Personality Disorder and I think that's what I have.  God know there are still 4 years missing from my life and, for someone who can talk for hours about when I was 2 and 3 and 4 and 5, I find it quite strange that my life is blank from right after my 6th birthday party to when I was 10.

My next step is to find someone or something to help me live *in harmony* with Elizabeth.

P.S. Is it a coincidence that I used to call my make-believe sister Elizabeth, when I was 6? 

OMG!!  I've just had another memory of when I was 6.  I was at my mum's bosses house.  He was old, as was his wife.  And they were Ukranian or something like that.  I just remember being in the corner of a room, quietly crying that I wanted to go home.  She (I used to call her Mrs Frank) finally phoned my parents and told them I wanted to go home.  Once I was home, I immediately went into my parent's room where my baby brother's cot was, and spoke to Elizabeth - my make-believe sister.  I remember being upset because mum and dad were angry with me for not staying with Mr & Mrs Frank.  Yet I cannot remember why I wanted to come home, except that I felt extremely uncomfortable in their company.  Was there more to that memory??  Am I ready to peel off another layer of the onion?  Absolutely!!  I want to get to the bottom of this.  I want to be slim and trim and fit and healthy - effortlessly - without being at war with myself!!

Ciao for now, Sib

Dragging Myself

Dragging myself.  That's what I feel I'm doing.

I re-joined WW a couple of weeks ago.  Not sure if I've been back here since.  I lost almost 2kg in the first week, although I'm thinking that's due more to good luck than anything else.  It just seems like such an effort.  An effort to purchase healthy foods.  An effort to prepare healthy foods.  An effort to eat healthy foods.  And last, but certainly not least, an effort to exercise.  An effort to move my body.  I feel like I'm a huge lump of lard.

I've started every day with the intention of riding my bike.  Yet it hasn't happened.  Such a simple thing to do, so why have I not done it?  Not as if I've had too many other things to do over the past week or so since school holidays started.  What is my problem?

I had a fabulous 2 hour Radical Forgiveness session last Thursday.  I felt as if a HUGE weight had lifted off me.  Yet I still have not ridden that bloody bike.  Nor have I walked.  Or swum.  Not that I can really swim whilst my contact lens saga continues. But that's another story.

I even finally got the Weight Watchers iPhone App - which is awesome by the way - and have used it diligently every day.  Well... for the first 2/3 of it anyway.  Come 4pm-ish I fall off the wagon. 

Once again, I *know* what to do, yet I'm just not doing it.

Maybe I should give in.  Or give up.  I don't even know what the difference is, or if there is one.  It all just seems too hard.

My Christian friends would say: "Give it over to God"   Hmmm, I'm sure it's the same as "Going with the flow" or "Giving up the resistance".  I know I need to stop thinking about how *hard* it is... how *difficult* it is to lose this excess weight.  I know I need to start thinking of my successes.  No, not just thinking of them, but *really focus* on them.  I know all this stuff.  I teach it.  SH*T!!!  Why can't I *DO IT*!!

Tearing my hair out... going insane...

Everything else in my life is absolutely fabulous, so why can I not get this area of my life right too???

I better get to bed and get some sleep.

Nighty night.

Bananas = Zero ProPoints.. I like that!!

I've just eaten a banana which now has zero ProPoints.  I like that.  It's good to be able to eat *real* and *filling* food yet not add to my ProPoints for the day.

And, of course, this will encourage me to eat more fruit again.  Good work Weight Watchers!!  I might even eat some plums before I head out to work shortly.

Another Day 1

It could have gone a lot better, but I know it could also have gone a lot worse.

Starting my day with 2 eggs on toast is always good for me.  And today was no different.  That whole thing about protein at every meal makes such a difference to my day when I do it.  So I'm giving myself a big tick for the start of my day, despite not having excercised - which would have made it perfect.

I didn't eat again until after Trekessa's Graduation Presentation.  I am incredibly proud of Trekessa, who today was presented Awards in: Acadamic Excellence; Music Excellence; Sporting; Citizenship; numerous Cultural; and the ultimate "Principal's Award". 

Needless to say, we were all ravenous and I could have easily eaten a lot more than I did.  So I am very glad that I ate limited amounts of wise choices.

I did plan to cycle and/or walk this afternoon, but that didn't happen.  Instead, I went to visit a friend to re-borrow some of her fatter clothes that I'd previously shrunk out of.  Oh well...

For dinner I ate a Chicken Puff with lots of mixed-green-salad when I was planning to have *only* salad.  I've certainly gone over board  on my new Pro Points for the day, but I have no doubt I would have eaten far more if I had not joined WW again yesterday.  Tomorrow is another day.  Another Day 2 (*_*)

I have to keep reminding myself:

"It's not how many times you fall that matters; it's how many times you get up." - Anonymous

While I'm Waiting For My Head To Be Re-Programmed...

I know my issues are deep and I know they cannot be removed overnight.  Well, perhaps if that is *all* I were doing but, considering I have a very full life, I need to be realistic with my time frame.

In the meantime, I've decided that my goal needs to be to get back to 138kg and then maintain it.  This might seem a bit absurd, but I know it's very unhealthy to have my weight yo-yo and, as I've mentioned numerous times throughout this blog, my intention is that this is my final trip down the scales.  So I need to do whatever works.

Besides, I no longer have any clothes that fit me, as I'd given them all away.  So, at the very least, I need to get to a place where my wardrobe fits me.

I've just re-joined Weight Watchers, although this time I'll be doing it on-line.  At least for the moment.  Sheryl (aka Bitch Cakes) has been talking about the new Points Plus program over at her amazingly inspiring blog and I have been most impressed with her explanation.  However, as usual, I'm not sure if it's the same here in Australia.  The WW site talks about ProPoints and I doubt it's exactly the same, but surely it has to be close?!?!?

I'm pretty happy that I'm moving forward, even with the smallest of steps.

I can do this.  I WILL do this (*_*)

Nighty Night xoxo

Still Struggling - BIG time!!

Sometimes I feel that I'm going insane!!

It's almost as if I had gotten to a 10 year low on the scales and my sub-conscious mind said: "STOP!!  This is getting too dangerous.  She's in danger if she becomes slim and attractive.  Let's get her back to a *safe* weight".  And so I stopped exercising and started to eat and eat and eat... and the weight just keeps piling on.  And the craziest thing is that I have absolutely NO CONTROL over what I am doing to myself.

Here I am, back at 146.5kg and I am totally exhausted fighting with myself, and that's just it... it is ME who is my enemy.

Yet I feel I've had a breakthrough.  Just a first step. And a baby step at that.

As mentioned above and throughout previous posts, I *know* that it’s my sub-conscious mind that wants to keep me fat. I have been researching this and using various therapies for well over a decade now and no matter what I do, as soon as I get down to a certain weight, I self-sabotage and so the cycle continues.

With the help of numerous therapy modalities, I consciously understand what the problem/s is/are, but have not found a way to rid myself of the *head stuff* which is what I need.

Totally exhausted with my struggle, I decided to *ask* for another breakthrough. Society at large tells us it’s intake vs. output, yet I know it is soooo much more.  Unless our head is in the right place, the food and exercise aspect is simply not going to happen.

On both a personal and professional level, I've often used and worked with The Radical Forgiveness Process which is extremely powerful, yet I haven’t visited the website in a few years. An old friend asked me for some advice yesterday and I went to the website to download Jill’s Story for her and noticed there was a whole heap of new stuff, including the Radical Weight-Loss Program.

None of the concepts mentioned were new to me, but *exactly* what I’ve been looking for was right there in front of my eyes. Something to remove my beliefs and thoughts and shift the energy around the *stories* that created my weight in the first place.  All that *head stuff* that wants to keep me fat.

I then went to see if there were any certified coaches in Australia, and sure enough, there are two - of which, one is in the same state.  So I phoned her, not really knowing what I was going to say.  Yet we spoke for quite a while and her interesting questions (as only a great coach can ask) dug up some very interesting answers.  Finally, someone who really understands my *real* weight issues.  Hooray!!

We're going to do some work together over the next few weeks to dissolve some deeply rooted beliefs I have.  And I just *KNOW* that once they are dissolved, my sub-conscious mind will no longer want to keep me fat and so I will effortlessly be able to let go of all this excess weight. 

What a relief.  I feel that I've reached the beginning of the end.

I need to write... to blog about this - no matter how much I struggle.  So thank you for your prods.  Your questions as to where I am... how I am... that you miss me.  I truly appreciate them.  I *need* them.

Stay tuned.  Can you believe I feel better for even having written this??  Yeah, I do!

Ciao for now. xoxo

Struggling But NOT Giving Up

I bet you thought I'd given up.  To be honest, there have been moments over the past while that I had thought the same.  But they were only *moments*.  I always knew that some day, somehow I would get back into the zone.

I actually spent hours writing a post about my recent *almost-blind* experience.  Then, when I cam back later that day to finish it, the whole post was gone.  I was both devastated and angry.  There is no way I could recapture all that I had already written.  It was gone.

Trust me when I tell you I learnt a whole lot about myself.  It was a very challenging few weeks.  And although I am seeing again, the challenge with my contacts is not over.  My new multi-focal contact lenses were too painful to wear and I couldn't see as well as I would have liked, so I ended up going back to my old ones.  That in itself was a challenge.  Anyway, I am headed back to my contact lens specialist tomorrow and am keen to find out what solution he will come up with.

Whilst *almost-blind* all I could do was cook and eat.  I walked around the block all of once; that was scary enough.  So I wasn't at all surprised to discover I'd gained 5kg.  Too much yummy food and no excercise does that to me every time.

I thought I was back on track a couple of weeks ago, but that only lasted a couple of days.  Of course, rather than simply moving forward one baby step at a time, I spent the next *too-long* beating myself up for failing.  This has been the merry-go-round of my life.  Why is it such a difficult habit to break??  How the bloody hell do I get off this horrid ride??

Anyway, weighing in at 144.8kg this morning, I finally got on my bike and rode 4km.  I am back to writing down what I eat, more than anything just so I am reminded of my desire to be healthy.

I can do it, I know I can!!

So Much to Say, So Little Time

I am giving myself 2 minutes, yet I probably need 2 hours.  I have so much to say... so much has happened... and my plan was to sit down tomorrow and *spill*.

However, due to the fact that my eyes need to *return to their natural shape* after having worn rigid contact lenses for 36 years, so I can have new multi-focal contact lenses fitted, as of the end of this brief post my eyes need to be contact lens free for the next 2+ weeks.

Since I don't own spectacles, I will be pretty blind until I get my new lenses.  I have never ever had to endure this before in my life and I am trusting it will be well worth it.  Yet, I can't imagine myself being able to do much.  Certainly not drive, walk anywhere too far without anyone by my side, or use a computer.  Hence, I am extremely saddened that I won't be able to *spill* tomorrow.

If, somehow, I find that I am able to use my computer (after all, it has a huge monitor) I will certainly be here.  However, there are no guarantees.  How on earth will I cope? 

I really don't know. 

I expect to learn a lot about myself.  Far more than I can currently imagine.

Wish me luck!

Eat, Pray, Love

I've been struggling with a few personal issues lately.  My head vs. my heart type stuff.  I'm a huge believer of only doing what I'm inspired to do, yet lately the *shoulds* have been getting in the way.  Until yesterday that is.

Last week I purchased the audio book "Eat, Pray, Love", along with a few of my favourites, Napoleon Hill's Think and Grow Rich, Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People, and Rich Dad's Increase Your Financial IQ.  Knowing how little I read these days, I was hoping that I would get into the habit of *reading* whilst driving long distances, walking, cycling or even doing housework. I hadn't actually read a *non-educational-book* in quite some time, yet was very much attracted to "Eat, Pray, Love" since recently seeing the shorts of the movie.

BINGO!  We listened to "Eat, Pray, Love" while driving to and from a gymnastics competition on the weekend - over 3 hours drive each way - and all four of us were enthralled.  I continued listening while washing, baking, and doing my usually unexciting housework yesterday and was amazed at how this book was just as much an educational book as the others.  To me anyway.  The messages were absolutely perfect for me.  As always, the Universe / God / whatever you want to call *that magical power* delivers what is needed exactly when it is needed.

Not only did my *shoulds* disappear, but almost every aspect of my life was addressed to some degree.  Now, none of this information was new.  It never is.  Yet, the way Elizabeth Gilbert writes/speaks about her experiences was most comforting and somehow cofirmed to me that my experiences, especially with food, are OK.  Funny how we seem to need confirmation that we are OK.  And funnier the ways we get this confirmation.

Anyway, I highly recommend the book and look forward to seeing the movie.

By the way, I won my game of squash yesterday afternoon against a teenager (yeah... no laughs thank you) who used to whip my arse.  Yesterday, I played very well, working my arse off, and beat him in 5 games.  Yay!!!

An Even Better iPhone Application = Shape Up

I thought I had found the perfect app in My Fitness Pal, which would be true if I lived in the USA.  However, I found it a little frustrating because everything was in Calories, not Kilojoules, and because there were no Australian foods I either guessed (not necessarily accurate) or created my own, which was too time consuming.

I really wish Weight Watchers would create an application based on their online tracking tools, as I sooo love the Points system.  Yet, that might not ever happen - who knows. 

In the meantime, I have just found Shape Up where you can choose if you want the American, English, or Australian version.  Having chosen the Australian version, everything is now calculated in metric and all of  my favourite Australian food is right there.  You beauty!!

Another Layer of the Onion Gone!

Something happened at squash tonight that totally blew me away.  Hubby has been working away and he arranged for Neil to float for him both last week and tonight.  I didn't play last week because I was still not quite well enough and was excited to finally be *getting back into it* tonight.

So I arrive at the squash courts and say g'day to everyone, see Neil and say "G'day honey, nice to see you again, hope you play well tonight".  Neil knows that I haven't seen hubby in at least 9 days and plays along, saying "of course I'll play well, now that I've seen you again honey".  We watch different games on separate courts when my soon-to-be-oponent asks me if Neil is related to Chris.  "I have no idea, let's ask him"  So I walk over to Neil and say "Excuse me honey, are you related to Chris ...?"  He replies with "Yes, honey, he's my cousin".

Suddenly, I notice that the two men standing beside Neil are looking at me strangely.  One exclaims "How long has this been going on?  How long has Trev been away?" 

Oh. My. Goodness!!!!  We were just playing.  But could it *really* have been mistaken for flirting? 

Although I lost my squash game, I thoroughly enjoyed it.  I chatted to a few of the other fellas, especially Dan who was telling me about his visit to the obstetrician today - his wife is 22 weeks pregnant with their first child.  We got talking about marriage and divorce and how to stay happily married.  I suggested a couple of fabulous books which I believe all couples should get as wedding presents.  And I then watched the final game of the evening.

When it was time for me to leave, Neil and three other men were just opening a post-match-beer.  I said "Bye guys, have a great week" to which Neil responded with "Bye honey, see you when I get home."

I didn't know what to say.  I couldn't even look at him.  I was extremely uncomfortable and then all these thoughts came into my head...

Was I flirting?

Was he flirting?

Isn't it interesting that I suddenly seem more comfortable speaking with these men.

Why is that?

Is it the missing 16.5kg?

Sure, I am feeling more confident.

Hell, I'm even taking photos of myself.

Am I becoming my mother? (further explanation of this fear in this post)

But I'm still fat.  I thought that fear was reserved for when I am slim and trim?

Surely men can't find me attractive at 138.5kg?  Despite the 16.5kg loss.  Except of course for Trev.  He has already proven his love... but he's my husband!

Oh sh*t, if I'm like this now - at 138.5kg - what will I be like when I'm 70kg?

My head kept spinning all the way home.

Now that I've had dinner and time to rationalise a little, I'm thinking...

No, I wasn't flirting.  I remember flirting when I was single and what I was doing tonight was definitely *not* flirting!  I also believe that Neil was not flirting either.  We both understood the game we were playing and it doesn't matter what the others thought.  Our consciences are clear.

I felt so incredibly uncomfortable when I thought that flirting was going on, that I am absolutely certain that I would never do what my mum did when I was young.  My irrational fear of me risking my marriage and family when I am slim and trim has been squashed.  I just *know* it.

Besides, my confidence has already started to grow.  I now realise it doesn't have anything to do with my size, and everything to do with my level of confidence.  Sure, I'll be more confident at 70kg than I am at 138.5kg, but again it's a *head* thing.  I can't even explain it, yet I just know the bubble has burst on that very big fear I have had lurking in my head for soooo long.

(Tears now streaming down my face)  I have spent tens of thousands of dollars on so many forms of therapy to have this happen, yet it happened by itself - when I was ready.

I am totally gobsmacked!! 

And extremely grateful (*_*)

Experiencing Sir Isaac Newton's First Law of Motion

Sir Isaac Newton

I loved Physics at school, although I wasn't hugely good at it.  Yet it was such a fascinating subject that I truly enjoyed each and every class. 

Despite 32 years having passed, I still clearly remember learning Sir Isaac Newton's First Law of Motion.  This law, expressed simply, says that an object that is not subject to any net external force moves at a constant velocity.  In even simpler terms, inertia means that an object will always continue moving at its current speed and in its current direction until some force causes its speed or direction to change.  This would include an object that is not in motion (velocity = zero), which will remain at rest until some force causes it to move.

I experience and thus contemplate this law often.  I was *on a roll* for a while there, which I mentioned in this post on 31st July.  Then I caught the-never-ending-flu which had me in bed for many days at a time, and I am only feeling 100% better now - almost a month later!  That's including the horrible strain in my left lateral muscle caused by far too much coughing!

I really wanted to play squash last week, but was warned against it by a couple of *in-the-know* friends.  So yet another week has gone without any exercise!

I thought about it, both yesterday and today.  But that's as far as it got.  And we all kow that *thinking* about exercise simply doesn't have the same effect as actually doing it!  Of course, it's that inertia principle at work.  I haven't done anything in so long that the momentum has totally stopped.  I need that *force* to cause me to move again.  A big kick up the butt would probably do it.  Or maybe not.

Here I am, once again, where I need a boost of internal motivation or inspiration to simply make me move.  I am playing squash tomorrow night, so maybe that will do it.  Maybe that will be enough to get me back in motion.  I certainly hope so.

Which reminds me, I need to find out when this 12 week Body Challenge is starting.  Soon I hope!

Loving My New iPhone 4

I finally got my other birthday present last week, an iPhone 4.  Not having ever used an iPhone before, I got some tutoring - from a 14 year old - and am now in love with it. 

What I love most are my first two applications - *My Grateful Journal* and *My Fitness Pal*

Coincidentally, I had filled my WW food tracker on the weekend.  Although I have quit WW for a while, tracking my food and exercise really helps to keep me focused.  I was about to go on-line to purchase another one, when I thought that perhaps there was an application I could use on my iPhone.  Well, was I right or what?  There is an abundance of apps available and my challenge was finding the right one for me.  Luckily, it didn't take long to find My Fitness Pal and now I can update my food and exercise throughout the day when I have a minute or two here and there.  It's GREAT!!

I also love being able to take photos and videos wherever I am.  My old phone did that too, but not as easily and they weren't quite the same.  Here are some photos taken tonight whilst Tahlia and I were patiently waiting for Trekessa to perform at her *Advanced Band Camp* concert.

Eventually, Kess and I also took some snaps.